Yare Yare

 Yare Yare.  An ode to me of 2008 - 2011 The me who wrote so emotionally charged. So sweet and romantic. Hopeful and suffocating in plain site.  She was such a lover and had her heart break so many times. She also continued to be awed. To notice the good days and leave enough detail for everyone in the future. She enjoys art and anime and fuses them into her being. Reference this and reference that.  Building her own cake with a recipe made from the heart. She's learning in real time and recording her mental state.  She had friends and faced demons. She quoted poets and music lyrics with passion. she was as dramatic as she was basic. A real rawr ex dee dweeb. Heres to her. teen me. I actually feel proud tonite for sticking around through that shit show cause I wouldnt be here in this shit show. this wildly happy and uncertain one. 

 where is my attention. i spent all day, day dreaming about a boy who ive gave myself to. a boy who in many ways doesn't align with my current goals. i keep digging myself deeper and deeper into the why and frying my brain when i get obvious answers. reasons to close this chapter. to give thanks and let go. its such a fucking struggle. letting go. needing to let go. to not be so available and nice. i have an ego still. and it very much feels jealous and greedy and unnecessarily heartbroken. being alive right now feels like a constant funeral for my past. feels like im constantly grieving the people i had to let go of, the choices i made, the time i wasted, the words i never said, the time i wont get back, the love i spilled, the mistakes i made taunt me and yet for some reason. i still keep going, i keep putting myself through the fire and through the fire. forging a weapon that still doesn't seem strong enough to eliminate all my future fears and i don't believe for a seco