clutter

 where is my attention.

i spent all day, day dreaming about a boy who ive gave myself to. a boy who in many ways doesn't align with my current goals. i keep digging myself deeper and deeper into the why and frying my brain when i get obvious answers. reasons to close this chapter. to give thanks and let go. its such a fucking struggle. letting go. needing to let go. to not be so available and nice.

i have an ego still. and it very much feels jealous and greedy and unnecessarily heartbroken.

being alive right now feels like a constant funeral for my past. feels like im constantly grieving the people i had to let go of, the choices i made, the time i wasted, the words i never said, the time i wont get back, the love i spilled, the mistakes i made taunt me and yet for some reason. i still keep going, i keep putting myself through the fire and through the fire. forging a weapon that still doesn't seem strong enough to eliminate all my future fears and i don't believe for a second that ill have it easy. i feel exhausted. like when will this end? 

next time. next time ill be better, ill be stronger, i cant rest unless I am alone. only when i am alone can i see my gapping wounds. only i see them and can treat them. no one else can, i cant wait. i keep trying to slow down but god, i wish someone would just be by my side for longer... i wish i could count on someone to help me, walk beside me, encourage me. on the days that i cant....

tonight is one of those nights that I NEED YOU. 

i want to feel needed. and loved. and hugged, and kissed. and talked to.... i feel physically lonely. and could use some sort of, i hear you, see you, value you. i want to be held and feel the warmth of someone else. someone bigger. 

i am so grateful for gummy. i will hug and kiss him.

i am grateful for my pillows and my laptop and my ceiling fan and music. this is another silent prayer that my helpers find me. i am shining this little light of mine as brightly as i can. is anyone out there looking?

when you fall in love as much a i have, heartbreak becomes the least of your fears.

the real fears is what happens when you find out your love is weak, not enough, that no one needs or wants the same, the isolation, the un relatability, the alien ghost feeling of just floating around on a cloud and not actually being able to share any important parts of yourself and get the same in return. 

the fear of shrinking and becoming easy to forget. of realize what you love doesn't love you, but it takes and takes and takes and leaves you with crumbs. i live to serve love but something happens in my brain that make me blind to all other ways in which i have love, im chasing the wrong type. going the wrong way. making the same mistakes, .... im not getting anywhere by wanted to be loved romantically, longingly... another thing i should just let go of. this is the part where i change my perspective. see who i am without partnered romantic love. i am lots of other things. ....

alchemist, mad scientist, magical girl, neo witch, healer, light bringer, comedian, observer, empath, artist, content creator, dog mom, nerd, friend, best friend, daughter, sister, patient, client, apprentice, kawaii connoisseur

and honestly all those titles mean so much more than. ive done so much more despite not being able to be taken for the long haul, to be ..chosen in that way. but it does get me down. i guess thats just the human in me.